Hello, friends. This holiday season, it's important to remember all the wonderful people in your life who have been good to you this year. A kind word here, a thoughtful gesture there...they help make living in these uncertain times more hopeful and joyous.
At the same time, it's also important to remember those bastards and jerks who lied, cheated, swindled, insulted, extorted, threatened and otherwise crapped all over you in 2009. And, as usual, America's coal industry will be there to help you express your disappointment and disgust, just as we have been for over a century.
When your company CEO cancelled all employee bonuses except for his own and the executive staff, we were there.
When your health insurance provider told you with a straight face that the acne you had as a teenager was a pre-existing condition that negated your cancer treatment, we were there.
When your neighbor backed over your tulips and then denied it, even though the tire marks in your garden matched her Hummer's, we were there, too.
The cop who gave you a ticket for going two miles-an-hour over the speed limit while the driver in front of you was going much faster and texting? He got coal.
Your sister-in-law who constantly sends emails to you questioning the president's citizenship? You bet...she's gettin' coal.
The "friendly, at-your-service" loan officer who refused to rework the terms of your mortgage because "rules are rules?" He'll be poopin' coal for weeks.
The office brownnoser who stole your idea and used it to snag a promotion? A cubicle full of coal.
For everyone on your list who's made your life miserable, there's only one holiday gift you can rely on to adequately say, "Suck on this, asshole!" So call now and order some ugly, dirty, toxic coal. One glance at that lump of bituminous blackness and they'll get your message loud and clear. Available in lignite, flame coal, gas coal, anthracite, coke and---for the really nasty peckerheads---coal fly ash slurry. Order today and we'll even pay for the shipping.
Coal: when you're pissed-off enough to send the very worst.
This message brought to you by the Holiday Coal Consortium, conveniently located next to that mountain over there with the top blown off. Wishing you and yours a holiday filled with glad tidings of mercury and joy.
